Trust.

A lot of what happened to me did so at the hands of one of the people I should have been able to trust the most; one of the people who I should have been able to rely on for unconditional support and protection. It shouldn’t really come as a surprise to anyone when I say that I have trust issues because of this. I was repeatedly betrayed by the people closest to me and so I have difficulty allowing myself to trust anyone.

I believe that I trust more easily now than I have in the past, but my trust is still something that people have to work very hard to earn rather than being given freely. I don’t think my trust issues are necessarily a bad thing because my trust comes with a fierce, unquestioning loyalty of a sort that shouldn’t be easy to come by. If I trust you, I will fight for you to the death if necessary, so it’s probably a good thing that I don’t trust very many people. I don’t think most people who aren’t intimately acquainted with my past realize I have trust issues and many of my friends seem to be under the impression that I trust them more than I actually do. I guess I’m good at faking trust.

My trust issues also appear to have exacerbated my natural reluctance to touch or be touched by people I don’t know well. For a long time I thought the fact that I didn’t like to be touched was a direct result of abuse, but a story my grandfather was fond of telling where I refused to hug him on what would have been the first occasion I really met my grandparents when I was around two years old shows that it was always a part of me. However, I believe that I would have a less strong reaction to touch if I didn’t have trust issues. Accidental touch, for example, when your hand brushes the cashier’s hand when you pay cash for your fast food lunch, bothers me most. Most people don’t even notice these kinds of accidental contact, but I have to exert a great deal of internal effort not to have a minor meltdown every time it happens. Deliberate touch, like a hand shake I can prepare for and while I don’t like it, it doesn’t really bother me the way accidental touch does.

I thought I had more to say about trust, but I apparently don’t. I don’t think there was really a point I wanted to make with this post beyond acknowledgement of the issues.

Keep rising,

Embermane Phoenix

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