Bad boys.

I think most women go through a “bad boy” phase at some point in their lives, usually in early adolescence. The archetype of the bad boy comes with a hint of danger that most young girls find exciting and irresistible even though the bad boy is also disrespectful of women. All but those with the lowest self-esteem eventually grow out of their bad boy phase and begin to choose partners who treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

I never had a bad boy phase. My self-esteem was rendered about as low as it can go for many years by mental abuse, so why did I never find bad boys attractive? Well, I believe the answer to that question is the physical, sexual, and mental abuse that I endured itself.

The timing of my experiences was important. The sexual abuse took place just as I was entering puberty which delayed the development of my sexual identity. I always knew that I was attracted to men, but because of what I went through at the hands of my brother, I had little to no interest in actually pursuing anything with a man until my late teens by which time, had I developed normally, I probably would have been beginning to grow out of my bad boy phase.

While I was busy having the development of my sexual identity delayed, I was also learning the kind of physical, sexual, and emotional violence that can come from the sort of danger the bad boy represents. Attraction to the bad boy archetype comes with a degree of naiveté about what the attitude toward women they possess can really mean for your physical and emotional state, which is why it’s typically young girls who don’t know any better that are attracted to bad boys. But I always knew exactly what a real bad boy meant for my life because of the pain I couldn’t escape. Why would I ever willingly put myself in a situation where I was likely to experience that pain again?

I consider myself very lucky that my abuse happened exactly when and exactly how it happened because the pain I experienced as a result helped me to prevent experiences that could easily have been much worse. Unfortunately, many women with experiences similar to mine have difficulty getting their self-esteem back and can’t break out of the cycle of abuse; they keep choosing bad boys. This is why predatory pick up techniques, such as negging, have an unfortunate tendency to work. And the unfortunate tendency of working that these pick up techniques have is one of the reasons I’ve been single for over 3 years; almost every man I’ve met in those 3 years tries to use them on me and I’m not falling for it.

Keep rising,

Embermane Phoenix

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